"Be yourself. Above all, let who you are, what you are, what you believe shine through every sentence you write, every piece you finish." -John Jakes
For the next four months I am still in the construction process letting God use me as a vessel. I was challenged with this request by fellow blogger, NSBE twiend, DeeevuhGlam check out her blog if you are up for the challenge, so I decided to let it all out and share with you my story good, bad, happy, sad, testimony.
Remember only God can judge me!
I grew up in suburban Chesapeake, VA. The oldest of two girls in a house hold with both parents present. I remember not wanting for anything and growing up being some what spoiled. After all when you make good grades, participate in extra curricular activities for us it was cheerleading, and do chores why not reward your children? I was in church every Sunday morning for Sunday School and involved in everything from choir, usher, children's church you name it my sister and I were there. I grew up somewhat sheltered from the reality of what was really going on.
The summer of 1999 I will never forget. I was turning 14 my birthday is July 17, and about to go to high school. My mother and father were having martial problems and my father decided to move out. So, they were separated for a few months. My mom was suspicious that he was cheating on her so we went out to the projects really late at night looking for our "cousin" but really for my father. She saw his truck at this woman's home and we left with a quickness. My sister and I knew what was going on, but really we didn't.
My father would make daily trips back to our house to see us when we got off the school bus, before he went to work, but this time was different. I was a "daddy's girl" so we would always talk about whatever was on my mind or his. My father was suspicious that my mother was cheating on him. I remember him asking me "Is your mother seeing Ms. Sandy's brother, Fred (Mr. Fred is now my step father)?" I told him that I wasn't sure, but he already knew the answer. He was furious. I never seen my father act the way he did that day. He kissed me on my check, told me he loved me, and left my house. That was the last time I saw him. I never told anyone about my last encounter with him. I knew something bad was about to happen. Remember God never puts more on you that you can bear.
On August 16, 1999 my father was found dead in the Elizabeth River. His truck was abandoned downtown in Portsmouth, VA. He had hog tied his legs and arms with duck tape and thrown himself into the river. He didn't know how to swim. He committed suicide. My cousin called me and told me that my father had died, to turn off my TV, and that my aunt, her mom was coming to pick me and my sister up. It didn't register in my mind. I knew something was going to happen, he was furious that last time I saw him. I was confused. As we went to pack up his apartment where he lived with his mistress it didn't register to me he was gone. I didn't know how he died, what happened, none of what I said above till months later. Remember I was sheltered. My mother didn't know how to tell me and my sister that drugs got the best of my father and he over dosed and killed himself. She didn't want us to remember him that way. I learned all of this information many months and years after my father passed. My father was the youngest of 8 children, my sister and I were the youngest grandchildren. Our relationship with that side of the family forever changed after his death.
I went on with life as if nothing happened. At his wake I didn't view his body. I really regret that now. My closest friends were at his funeral. I never even thanked them for coming. I even sang in the choir. I was just going through the motions. I didn't even shed a tear at his funeral. A few weeks later I was in sunny Orlando at Disney world confused, betrayed, and lied too by my mother. But, then again now I understand why she sheltered my sister and I, it was for our own good. High school came and gone with me going through the motions, not grieving, not accepting that I was never going to see my father again.
I left high school with a "high school sweetheart" and went on to college. "The love of my life" as we all know. He was my first love, my all, I poured my heart and soul into that relationship. We had a long distance relationship for 2 out of the 4 years together. He went to school in North Carolina and I was in college in Virginia. It was a give give relationship. I would give he would take. I would drive to see him, he would never come see me. I went out of my way, he never went out of his. He took everything from me, my virginity, child, sanity, and love. I was searching for something that I never grew up with in my teen years. I was looking for a father in him. One random summer night we ended up in a passionate love making session, and although I was on birth control the patch came off and I ended up pregnant. At 19 about to turn 20 I was faced with the decision to repeat the cycle. My mom had me at 20. When I asked him was he ready to be a father, he said the decision was up to me, he didn't even offer to pay for the abortion. August 18, 2004 I will never forget. Its funny because now he has a child on the way due in Feb 2010 go figure? I still went back with him. It wasn't until I was going into my 2nd year of college when my mom made me realize that he was no good for me. It was truly an AH HA moment and I finally realized I deserve better. I broke it off. I began to put up walls. He was the only person I was vulnerable with. Who could I be vulnerable to now?
I had to lean on God, to be vulnerable with God. I realized that through the process of my father passing that I never truly grieved. It took that breakup and almost 3 years after my fathers death for me to grieve. I cried, cried, and cried some more. I finally released all of that built up frustration from my fathers death. I cried because I was deathly afraid of being alone (not in a relationship), and I wouldn't let anyone get close to me. I began to put up more walls. My friendships and relationships with others were merely surface. I didn't want to get close to anyone because I was afraid I would loose them, just like my father. I didn't want anyone to judge me because I took a life, like my father took his. I became a control freak. I had to be in charge of everything. Call me the Alpha female because that's what I turned. I ended up in another relationship for about 2 years where I still was looking to the man for that father role. It ended because of these issues I needed to deal with. I learned from that relationship that I never forgave myself for not having the child. I put up more walls.
I graduated from college and moved to Texas. I finally have forgiven myself for what I did back in 2004. I have learned that being alone is not lonely because God is always present. I am finally working on taking down the bricks I put up around my heart to have more compassion and be open to love. I have learned to relinquish control, and to lean on my father figure named Jesus. He is the only one that can protect, provide, and love me unconditionally. God gives his best to those who leave the choice up to him. I am in a place where I am leaving the choice up to God on who he puts in my path to be my future husband. For the next four months I am focusing on forgiving, reconciling, loving unconditionally, going beneath the surface with friendships and relationships, and continuing to trust God and be vulnerable to him. I am still a work in process, but only God can judge me!
Keep the Faith!
Until next time,
~E
wow
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