We made it to the final trimester the last 10-11 weeks of this pregnancy. God give me peace for the last weeks of this journey! It’s crazy to think 10 weeks ago at 17 weeks I had a cerclage that saved his life and 10 weeks from now I will see and hold him in my arms.
This week has been more difficult emotionally for me as time is winding down and drawing closer to meeting Maxwell. I thought about how life would be like with no kids. Would my husband still love me the same? Would I be ok with not having children of my own? I could always adopt or foster children right? I kept telling myself Erica you will be ok with not having children. Life will go on and you will be fine. It’s like I’m trying to shield myself from what bad could happen at the end of this pregnancy. Then I pray my simple prayer “God please let me keep this baby.”
As much as I like to think I’m not worried, scared, or anxious about my C-section, I am. The date and time will be scheduled very soon. I keep thinking to myself will this baby cry once the doctors take him out of me? Will I get to bring him home? Will this emptiness inside of me go away? I trust God and I do have faith. But worry and doubt creep up inside of me when I feel Maxwell’s every move, kick, and squirm. Every doctor’s appointment I’ve had thus far has been a sigh of relief. Every good report I’ve received makes me feel like something bad is coming. Sometimes I wonder will this be the last time I feel him move? Will this be my last time feeling him alive inside of me? Then I pray my simple prayer “God please let me keep this baby.”
To be pregnant with no guarantee that there will be a living child at the end of it is very brave. I consider myself brave, but I’d much rather consider myself a mother. Please continue to keep Maxwell, my husband Brandon, and myself in your prayers as we complete our journey to baby.
Keep the Faith!
Until next time,
~E
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