Missing him 17 months later

I get very emotional on the 29th of every month. Today is no different. My son BJ would be 17 months old today if he was still here. He was born and died on November 29, 2012. Often I day dream of the bodacious toddler he would be and how much our lives would have changed 17 months ago. I get emotional because 17 months have passed and I will never get to know him. Now that I’m pregnant again sometimes I don’t think I would’ve tried again so soon if BJ was still here. I feel guilty knowing that I got pregnant with Brielle and this baby I’m carrying because I lost BJ. I miss him and what the last 17 months would have taught me about motherhood, parenthood, marriage with children, and myself. I have faith that God will provide me that opportunity with this baby I’m carrying.


I’m so much stronger than I was 17 months ago. I have changed my attitude from “God why me” to “God why not me”? I have asked God to continue to use me as a vessel and let me be a testimony for those who have experienced child loss. I have openly shared how I felt through my ups and downs of grief and loss weekly for the last 7 months. I know I’m far from perfect and sometimes I feel stuck because I haven’t accomplished this goal of having a living child. But, I thank God for opening my eyes that this life I’m living is about him and not me.




This is a pic of my first and last time holding my son BJ in the recovery room after the c-section. So many emotions I have looking back at this picture because my face shows exactly what I felt. To caption this pic I would say "heartbroken".


Today, I celebrate BJ. Sometimes I look back on 2012 and ask myself how did I do it? I worked 12-14 hour rotating shifts from days to nights, had a bridal shower, bachelorette party, planned and had a wedding, went on a honey moon, and purchased a home before he was born. He made me want to be a mom even though I had no clue what that title meant at the time. He taught me in my 10 months of carrying him to be less selfish. He taught me to be patient and to have compassion for others. He taught me that I could love someone so much even though I didn’t see his face until he was gone home to God. I miss you BJ and know that you are in heaven with Brielle watching down on mommy and daddy and this baby grow inside of me!


Keep the Faith!

Until next time,
~E