An open letter to BJ

Written on December 21, 2012.

Dear Brandon Jr.,
I love you and miss you dearly. My heart aches everyday. I wake up sometimes thinking you are still in my belly, but then I cry realizing you are in heaven when all I long for is to hold you.  My routine hasn't changed much since you left us I'm still at home waiting for something. I was waiting for you but now I'm waiting to return to work and trying to make sense of you departing the world so early.
I find myself sometimes wanting to be near you and the thought of you brings tears to my eyes.  I go into the closet where all of your things are and just stare at them and cry.  I wished that I could see you in the crib your grandmother purchased for you and in all the clothes everyone gave during your baby shower. I look at all the diapers I couponed for you to make sure I had a supply built up. I look at the travel system the stroller and car seat all of the little details from your baby shower that I'm not going to get to use with you because you are gone.  I look at the breast pump, the wipes warmer, the baby bath, and the plethora of wipes and baby products and just long for sometime to have used these with you.  I am always missing you.
I always start the day looking at your picture and think of my last memories of you in my belly. Sometimes I wish I could have done something differently so that you could still be here and I wouldn't be writing this note.

Here it's 4 days before Christmas and I had so many things I wanted to do for you. I had bought a bib that said my first Christmas and you were given an elfs outfit for me to dress you in. I wanted to take pictures of you with Santa and take family photos as it would be our first Christmas as a family and celebrating in our new home. We bought an ornament in memory of you and we will place a picture of you in it once we get them developed. I love Christmas and wish you were here to celebrate with us but you will always be my angel looking and shining down from heaven above.

What I miss the most is all the firsts we won't be able to celebrate besides Christmas. I wish I could hold your hand, kiss your checks, change your diaper, feed you, bathe you, and clean up your spit up.  I wish I could watch you lift your head during tummy time, watch you roll over, crawl, walk, start talking, start comprehending.  Watch you learn how to play an instrument, start school, love math and science like your mom, play sports and make your daddy proud, argue with me over curfew, first dates, kiss, girlfriend, Highschool prom, graduations, college, marriage, and birth of your own children. I had this thought that I would be able to see all of this with you and I'm sad and heart broken I can't. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm a mom because I didn't or won't get to experience these things with you.
I want you to know that I love you and miss you so much! You brought so much joy to our lives during the 39 weeks and 5 days you were in my belly and the 41 minutes God allowed you to be this earth. BJ please continue to be that guardian angel smiling on your dad and I from heaven. We thank you for we know that God will reveal to us the purpose for sending you home early someday until then we will continue to have faith and love on each other.   To be continued....   Keep the Faith!   ~E