Baby Blues Baby Fever

Happy New Year!

I would be lying to you if I did not say that I miss BJ.  I miss him and all the memories that I have of him living inside of me.  I miss him moving in my belly even waking me up during the night.  I miss the uncomfortable sleep and my swollen feet.  I miss listening to his heart beat when we went to the doctor's office.  I miss all the times we should have had almost 5 weeks after he has been gone home to heaven.  What I miss the most is the things that I am not going to be able to do with him like change his diaper or watch him nap, hear him say his first words, or even graduate from college.  I miss how my life would be if I had a baby.  I sometimes wake up thinking the nightmare is over and I'm going to hear a crying baby.  This is my reality and like I said in my previous post grief is a roller coaster ride.  Some days I'm good and some days it is very tough to get out of bed, shower, and get dressed.

As we prepared for BJ's funeral on December 7 we had to purchase something for him to wear and we decided to get a Christening outfit.  In the store I saw other mothers with their children and pregnant women purchasing things and I could not handle being in the baby section.  I was sad, angry, and jealous.  I broke down hysterically crying and my mom had to remove me from the store.  I could not share in their joy or happiness without thinking of my baby.  From then until earlier this week I avoided the baby section in the store.  I did not want the thoughts of not having my baby to dress, change, or feed to bring on emotions of jealousy or anger.  This week I was able to go into a store and frequent a baby section with no problem, no tears.  I still get a little jealous when I see mothers with children or pregnant women, but God is still working on me.  God has given me a peace about BJ's death, but I realized in the store I have baby fever and want a baby.  I know that another child will not replace my first born, but I want the assurance that I can have healthy children.  I want what I did not, could not have with BJ.  I want the opportunity to be a mother (I know I am a mother I carried him for 39 weeks 5 days).  I want the opportunity to love, to nurture, to guide, to encourage, to provide, and to raise my children as God would see fit.  Although right now I am terrified at the thought of being pregnant again I know that it will happen when God is ready to provide us another child.

Keep the Faith!

Until next time,
~E