Coping with Grief

I'm married to an amazing, wonderful man.  I've moved from Texas to Charlotte, North Carolina, and have been living here for a year.  I'm a first time homeowner as of October 2012.  I'm a new mom with no baby to hold.  He has been in the arms of God resting in heaven for one month today.

2012 has been full of excitement, major moments, and unfortunately tragedy.  I moved to Charlotte in December 2011 happy to be back on the east coast and start a new job opportunity.  My husband and I found out we were pregnant in March 2012 due December 1, 2012 and of course all emotions crossed our mind.  We were anxious, excited, scared, nervous, but knew that all we wanted was a healthy baby.  The day of pure joy was finding out the sex and we were having a boy.  We did not have any complications throughout the pregnancy only towards the end at 38 weeks I started showing signs of preclamsia and high blood pressure.  On November 28 the doctors choose to induce my labor at 39 weeks and 5 days to get my high blood pressure under control and not risk any complications with me or our baby boy.

On November 29, after approximately 3 hours of pushing on and off the doctors decided to deliver via cesarean section.  I was not thrilled.  I wanted to continue to push, but he just wouldn't come down through my pelvis.  I was prepped for a c-section.  Catheter inserted, epidural medicine increased, eye glasses removed, husband dressed in scrubs, we were ready to meet our baby boy.  As I was being wheeled into the room for major abdominal surgery I started to feel sick.  I needed to throw up, but it wouldn't come up.  I told the anesthesiologist to give me something to help with my nausea.  At this point everything else was a blur.  I remember them asking me if I could feel them pinch me and I couldn't but I did feel pressure.  I felt them pulling and tugging at my lady parts and I felt them say its a boy and his lower half of his body get pulled out of me.  At that moment I knew something was wrong.  I had been watching non stop TLC's A Baby Story to know that a healthy baby cries no matter what method he is born as soon as he comes out the womb.  My baby boy did not cry.  I asked my husband what was wrong and why he didn't cry.  He assured me everything was going to be okay.  I knew it was not.  I knew something went wrong.  The doctors quickly stitched me up, stapled my outsides, and rolled me into recovery.  I wanted to see my baby boy.  The nurse attending to us received a phone call, but did not look at us once she hung up the phone.  I knew something bad had happened.  I felt like I was in a night mare.  The worse thing you could ever think of is happening before you and you almost step outside of yourself because you do not want to feel any pain.  The doctors came and told us our baby did not make it and passed away.  He had very dense or defective lungs and they were not able to flow oxygen to his body.  I did not hear a word they said I just immediately broke down and screamed, yelled, hollered, and cried.  At that moment I didn't feel any pain I just wanted my baby and wanted him to be alive.  They tried to calm me down but what else do you do in a moment like that?  Who in their right mind imagines coming to the hospital pregnant only to leave empty handed?  I was in shock.  My blood pressure skyrocketed.  I had to calm my nerves in order to be able to hold my baby boy.  I held him and kissed him and asked if they could weigh and measure him.  We took pictures of this process and its the pictures on my phone that I look at everyday.  It's my memories of him still being warm and blood hot in his body.  He looked like me and had big hands and feet like his dad.  He was very long 21 inches but normal weight at 6lbs and 3.8 oz.  

Brandon Oscar McAfee Jr. 11/29/12 6lbs 4oz 21"

I was ready to leave the hospital that night. I didn't want to stay.  I wanted to go home.  They rolled our baby boy into our room and there was my grandparents and parents waiting, watching, looking at my every move.  I felt like I was being observed and my blood pressure continued to go up.  I told everyone to leave so I could calm down and for the nurse to take our baby boy to the nursery.  I was still in shock.  I had to wrap my mind around what happened.  I had to try to make sense of the nightmare.  I had to talk it over with my husband and hope the pain would subside.  We talked, we cried, we laughed, we prayed, we got some rest and grieved over the next 3 days being in the hospital.  Text messages, phone calls, facebook messages went out to family and friends to make them aware of what happened and the in flood of calls, text messages, visits came.  I did not want to talk to anyone nor for anyone to visit me, but I knew it was the best way to begin to grieve.

I've learned over these last 30 days that coping with grief is a roller coaster process. Sometimes you are mad, angry, upset, depressed, happy, excited, feeling sorry for yourself, looking for that missing baby, and then the cycle starts back over again.  I have learned to just live and just feel the way I feel when I feel.  Writing has been my therapy for the last 30 days and I was encouraged by my amazing husband to post what I've been writing as it may help someone who has been or is going through the loss of a child.  No one in their imagination should ever have to bury a child let alone an infant.  My hope is that through writing about my grief I find peace and comfort and that someone is touched and helped.  Everyday does get a little bit easier but you have to wake up asking God to give you strength to make it through the day.

Keep the Faith!
~E