After the death of my son BJ, I turned to writing to share my feelings as I've done for many years. I journaled everyday after his death for almost 4 months consecutively. This journal entry below was written days after his death, and I wanted to edit out my true thoughts, feelings, and observations, but decided against it because I know it will help someone who is coping with a pregnancy or infant loss. Maybe one day I'll turn all of my journal entries into a book. :D
Written December 5, 2012.
I'm in better spirits today woke up and said a prayer with Brandon to strengthen us today. Yesterday was hard for me we went to pick up an outfit for BJ to get buried in. We went to Burlington and picked up a white Christining suit and I couldn't hold back tears from seeing all the baby clothes and other moms carrying their babies. I had to leave the store before I became hysterical. I'm happy my mom saw me getting upset and told me to leave. She also asked me if I wanted her to stay another week and I don't like inconveniencing people even my own mother. We will see how I feel this weekend after the funeral on Friday and after all of the other family and friends leave.
39 weeks 4 days 9:27pm-10:08pm 41 minutes he lived outside of me until God called him home.
You always think that stuff like this would never happen to you but when it does you can't comprehend how to feel. One moment you are sad because you want to hold and kiss your baby. The next moment you are mad that you don't know what went wrong in the pregnancy. Then once you get over anger and sadness you begin to think and feel sorry for yourself and almost feel depressed. Then maybe you are happy again the next moment only to find that sadness and anger comes back to you 10 minutes later. Coping and grief are something crazy to deal with but you have strong faith in God and learn to lean and depend on him and your support system every moment, every hour, and every day gets better.
You wake up felling confused, slighted, like was all the pain, time, money and preparations worth it to not come home with a baby? Did we do our due diligence or did the doctor not see signs of abnormalities during our first trimester? Are we not healthy? All of these thoughts roll through your mind and you begin to put blame on yourself for you carried this baby and didn't know there was something wrong with him.
It's been hard for me to be happy for others who were pregnant and have had kids around the same time I had BJ. The joy they share I don't have and it makes me upset I can't share in their joy yet. I just want the opportunity to hold my son and kiss his checks and change his diaper and watch him sleep. These are things I won't have the opportunity to do and it makes me sad angry upset to see others enjoying the life of their children when I wake up everyday looking at picture on my phone of mine who isn't here. His spirit is in heaven and he lives in my heart everyday. It's very hard to think about and something I'm coping with but I know someday through the grief I will come to share that same joy those other new parents have for their newborns.
Talked to my hubs about how I was feeling about being jealous of those who are holding their babies especially those who were pregnant with me. I started to cry and I thought my boobs didn't have milk in them because I've been wearing cabbage and they started to leak like a faucet. I then started to cry hysterically because that was suppose to be milk to feed him. I didn't realize that thinking of him would cause my boobs to fill up with milk and crying about him would cause them to leak. As a result of this I will be keeping cabbage on my boobs until the milk completely dries up. The funny part of it all is smelling like cabbage I'm not sure I'm gonna like cabbage after this is over with.
Another thing that amazes me is how much my stomach hasn't gone back down. It is still very large and so is my vagina. I wasn't that trim before having baby but I also wasn't fat but looking like I'm 5 months pregnant is not a good look and the only way to get it off is by watching what I eat and exercising one which can't be done until the doctor gives me clearance to do so.
My hubs and I decided to start counseling right away to help begin to grieve appropriately. Hopefully we will start next week to help us begin to share our feelings in a controlled environment.
My love for my hubs has grown stronger everyday since BJs death. It's almost like I've found a new love for him and he is doing all the things to cater to me in my post operation state. I'm blessed to have him as my partner and support and love. I don't think I could've made it out of the hospital without him. He kept my blood pressure down by making me laugh, letting me cry and share my feelings and above it all showing and showering me with unconditional love. He is amazing!
Here for a moment only to spend a lifetime in our hearts! :)
Keep the Faith!
Until next time,
~E
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