Finding the "New Me"

Will I ever be the same person I was before loss children? Will I be able to get through an entire pregnancy without worrying about not bringing home a baby? Will I ever feel like a mother instead of feeling like a mom with no children to take care of? These are the questions I ponder daily, weekly, monthly hoping and praying that God will give me peace in this chapter of my life.

I've recently become some what a hypercondriac. I've been going to the doctor for every ache, moan, and uncomfortable feeling I've had since I'm still trying to understand and comprehend why I'm not pregnant and miscarried at 18 weeks. I haven't spoken anything over me out loud, but I've thought in my head I've had every symptom from a heart attack to cancer. Crazy as it may seem, but it's my way of trying to make sense out of something that I will never understand. I've been prescribed medication for my "aches and moans" but it's still at the pharmacy. I haven't been "in pain" enough to even pick it up. I've even gone as far as wanting to lose 50lbs so that I can be more "healthy" when I'm ready to have children again. Well, I'm 15lbs down in this journey and can say I'm finding a "new me".

No, I will never be the same person I was before I lost children. Is anyone ever the same after a tragedy? I am finally okay with this. I used to feel like those friends and family members that distanced themselves from me wanted me to forget what happened, and for me to be the same. What I realized is that many didn't and still don't know how to reach out and show sympathy and empathy. Now that I'm slowly getting out of my funk and God is revealing himself to me in many ways, I realize I need to reach out and mend those relationships.

I'm becoming a "new me" because that is who God purposed and designed me to be. No, I may not ever understand why such tragedy happened. What I do understand is that my faith in God is bigger than the fears I have of getting pregnant again and not bringing home a baby. I also understand that I'll always be a mom even though my friends and family may not give me a shoutout on Facebook on Mothers Day. I still have the tiger stripes and surgery scar to prove so. I'm becoming a new me because in my tragedy I've found purpose to live out my children's legacy. I will never let anyone forget them and the joy they bought to our lives even for a short time. I'm finding the new me because that is who God destined me to be!


Keep the Faith!


Until next time,
~E