How many children do you have?

As my husband and I get to know people here in Charlotte, and develop new relationships the first of many questions we receive is “Do you all have any children” or “How many children do you have?” It is very easy for my husband to answer back “we don’t have any children” or “none.” I always got that deer in the headlights look when asked this. It is a dreaded question for mothers like me who have had to say goodbye to a baby, (or any child for that matter) gone far too soon.


How many children do you have is the simplest question with the simplest answer, but I was always caught off guard. I used to simply not say anything, and change the subject by asking the same question back. I didn’t want to answer “I don’t have any children”, although this is true I don’t have any “living” children. I felt like answering none, was me not acknowledging my son and daughter, and neglecting my experiences of pregnancy, labor, and delivery.


Having someone ask this question made me realize my reality and made me feel less of a mother. I never answered because I never felt like explaining what happened to my kids and I didn't want the person to feel horrible for asking. I know I am a mom but feeling like a mother is something I struggle with daily, and having this question asked made it worse. I can only imagine that this feeling will never change even when we have living children. We will probably be asked “Is he/she your first child” or "do you want more children?"


I've come to the realization that answering this simple question is just that very simple. From now on I will answer the question by stating "I don't have any living children" or "I have two angel babies" and wait for a response. Both answers are true and can foster a deeper conversation as 1 out of 4 women experience loss whether it's in the form of miscarriage, neonatal or infant/child loss. Then for those who I feel don't need to know my business I'm comfortable saying I don't have any children. I know that my babies are smiling down on me from heaven, and for me not to acknowledge them isn't forgetting that they existed.


I know that one day God will grant me the desires of my heart and I will feel like a mom instead of a mom with empty arms.



Young E!


Keep the Faith!


Until next time,

~E